Communication

Recognizing the warning signs of domestic violence and abuse

It’s impossible to know with certainty what goes on behind closed doors, but there are some telltale signs and symptoms of emotional abuse and domestic violence. If you witness any warning signs of abuse in a friend, family member, or co-worker, take them very seriously.

General warning signs of domestic abuse

People who are being abused may:

Seem afraid or anxious to please their partner.
Go along with everything their partner says and does.
Check in often with their partner to report where they are and what they’re doing.
Receive frequent, harassing phone calls from their partner.
Talk about their partner’s temper, jealousy, or possessiveness.

Warning signs of physical violence

People who are being physically abused may:

Have frequent injuries, with the excuse of “accidents.”
Frequently miss work, school, or social occasions, without explanation.
Dress in clothing designed to hide bruises or scars (e.g. wearing long sleeves in the summer or sunglasses indoors).

Warning signs of isolation

People who are being isolated by their abuser may:

Be restricted from seeing family and friends.
Rarely go out in public without their partner.
Have limited access to money, credit cards, or the car.

The psychological warning signs of abuse

People who are being abused may:

Have very low self-esteem, even if they used to be confident.
Show major personality changes (e.g. an outgoing person becomes withdrawn).
Be depressed, anxious, or suicidal.

Speak up if you suspect domestic violence or abuse

If you suspect that someone you know is being abused, speak up! If you’re hesitating—telling yourself that it’s none of your business, you might be wrong, or the person might not want to talk about it—keep in mind that expressing your concern will let the person know that you care and may even save their life.

Do’s and Don’ts for talking to someone you’re worried about

Do:

Ask if something is wrong.
Express concern.
Listen and validate.
Offer help.
Support their decisions.

Don’t:

Wait for him or her to come to you.
Judge or blame.
Pressure him or her.
Give advice.
Place conditions on your support.

Adapted from: NYS Office for the Prevention of Domestic Violence

Your support and care is powerful. Talk to the person in private and let them know that you’re concerned. Point out the things you’ve noticed that make you worried. Tell the person that you’re there, whenever they feel ready to talk. Reassure the person that you’ll keep whatever is said between the two of you, and let them know that you’ll help in any way you can.

Ways You Can Help

Here are some ways to help a friend who is being abused:

Set up a time to talk. Try to make sure you have privacy and won’t be distracted or interrupted.
Let your friend know you’re concerned about their safety. Be honest. Tell them about times when you were worried about them. Help them see that what she’s going through is not right. Let her know you want to help.
Be supportive. Listen to your friend. Keep in mind that it may be very hard for them to talk about the abuse. Tell her that they is not alone, and that people want to help.
Offer specific help. You might say you are willing to just listen, to help them with childcare, or to provide transportation, for example.
Don’t place shame, blame, or guilt on your friend. Don’t say, “You just need to leave.” Instead, say something like, “I get scared thinking about what might happen to you.” Tell them you understand that her situation is very difficult.
Help them make a safety plan. Safety planning includes picking a place to go and packing important items.
Encourage your friend to talk to someone who can help. Offer to help them find a local domestic violence agency. Offer to go with her to the agency, the police, or court.
If your friend decides to stay, continue to be supportive. Your friend may decide to stay in the relationship, or they may leave and then go back many times. It may be hard for you to understand, but people stay in abusive relationships for many reasons. Be supportive, no matter what your friend decides to do.
Encourage your friend to do things outside of the relationship. It’s important for her to see friends and family.
If your friend decides to leave, continue to offer support. Even though the relationship was abusive, they may feel sad and lonely once it is over. She also may need help getting services from agencies or community groups.
Keep in mind that you can’t “rescue” your friend. They has to be the one to decide it’s time to get help. Support them no matter what her decision.
Let your friend know that you will always be there no matter what.

Remember, abusers are very good at controlling and manipulating their victims. People who have been emotionally abused or battered are depressed, drained, scared, ashamed, and confused. They need help to get out, yet they’ve often been isolated from their family and friends. By picking up on the warning signs and offering support, you can help them escape an abusive situation and begin healing.

Office on Women’s Health, U.S. Department of Health and Human Services, womenshealth.gov

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Safety Planning

If you are in an abusive relationship, it is important to create a safety plan. Domestic violence advocates and teen dating abuse advocates are people who are trained to help you create a safety plan.

Advocates can:

Figure out ways for you to leave an abuser
Discuss how to deal with emergencies
Suggest safe places to go, such as a shelter or the home of a friend or family member where your abuser might not look
Help you learn about a court order of protection (outside website), which requires your abuser to stay away from you
Suggest services and provide support

Call a help hotline to find advocates. You can call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 800-799-SAFE (7233) or TDD 800-787-3224. You can call the National Teen Dating Abuse Helpline at 866-331-9794 or TDD 866-331-8453. More resources, including Alaska and region specific resources for dating and domestic violence are located over at Get Help.

Abused women are not necessarily safe just because they leave an abuser. In fact, sometimes the danger is greatest right after leaving. Read our section on domestic abuse to learn more about ways to protect yourself and your children. Once you have a new home, learn ways to make it safer with locks and other security measures.

If you are leaving an abusive situation, take your children and, if possible, your pets. Put together the items listed below. Hide them someplace where you can get them quickly, or leave them with a friend. If you are in immediate danger, though, leave without these items.

Safety packing list

You can print out the Safety Packing List (PDF, 135 KB, womenshealth.gov) to make sure you have important items with you if you leave.

Identification for yourself and your children

Birth certificates
Social Security cards (or numbers written on paper if you can’t find the cards)
Driver’s license
Photo identification or passports
Welfare benefits card
Green card

Important papers

Marriage certificate
Divorce papers
Custody orders
Legal protection or restraining orders
Health insurance papers and medical cards
Medical records for all family members
Children’s school records
Investment papers/records and account numbers
Work permits
Immigration papers
Rental agreement/lease or house deed
Car title, registration, and insurance information
Records of police reports you have filed or other evidence of abuse

Money and other ways to get by

Cash
Credit cards
ATM card
Checkbook and bankbook (with deposit slips)
Jewelry or small objects you can sell

Keys

House
Car
Safety deposit box or Post Office box

Ways to communicate

Phone calling card*
Cellphone*
Address book

Medications

At least one month’s supply for all medicines you and your children are taking
A copy of any prescriptions

Things to help you cope

Pictures
Keepsakes
Children’s small toys or books

* Don’t share a calling card or cellphone plan with an abuser, because they can be used to find you. And if you already have a shared card or phone plan, try not to use them after you’ve left.